The uncensored journey
You can see the depth and methodical thinking down to the details reveals only the surface to who I am. Like an onion, I have what seems like never-ending layers that get stripped away by each experience revealing another side to myself I didn’t know existed. Due to being hapa or mixed-race Japanese, I never quite fit into any one thing, group, or box. I have accidentally always been somewhat in stage 5 of the self-transforming mind, where you have a fluid identity. Except I would use these natural camouflage skills as a defense mechanism for stage 3, the socialized mind where I identified and lived life by how others saw me and conformed to those ideals for acceptance, also known as people-pleasing. You can say I have gone through a few existential identity crises and 2020 has by far been the biggest awakening and shift.
A sudden urge in 2016 of emptiness engulfed my being. At the time, I was working in a very toxic and challenging work environment, and even though I was making good money, my health started to decline. I suddenly found myself, a normally healthy person diagnosed with high blood pressure facing the reality of being on blood pressure medication at 26. I quickly made a deal with my doctor telling him, “let me do a retreat first before we go down the pharmaceutical route.” He reluctantly agreed, and that next week I found a therapeutic yoga certification month-long retreat in Hawaii and booked it. It was here I started to get to know who I was and my story. Ironically as a journalist and TV news producer, I was so used to chasing after other people’s stories I never made the time to find mine. It was here I also spent my first time alone listening to mother earth and my inner soul, asking myself, “what do you need?” I quickly realized that to know my story, I needed to know my trauma and this trip did not disappoint. On day 2, I was groped by a local near the beach, my voice went silent, and fear coursed through my veins, my body retracted, and my soul grew small. Instead of fighting back, I retreated and ran as fast as I could from him because danger also set in. That experience brought a lot of uncomfortable truths and changes into my life that I am still finding gratitude for my classmates, teachers, and guides. Besides the physical trauma, I also started to battle through my self-hate. I’ll never forget on the last day, the teacher met with us individually to give feedback. As I sat across from her, she looked at me and said, “you need to not be so hard on yourself.” I had never at that point had someone in my life be so honest and direct about my truth, my reaction said it all, my heart sank into my gut, and I began to ugly cry because of the relief to have my soul set free by someone finally seeing me.
Shortly after coming back, I had a tough transition time getting back to the crazy pace of the Bay Area lifestyle. I also impressed my doctor after that trip as my blood pressure was normal once again. I ended up buying a motorcycle and getting my M1, skydiving, ended a 9-year relationship with a man I loved but wasn’t in love with, started online dating, traveled more, got an apartment by myself, and a new job. It wasn’t until my first online date about a year after returning, when I thought I fell in love with a man I could marry. However, there were other plans because, in the end, we broke up, and I experienced my first real heartbreak alone without roommates or family around 24/7.
Cue another reset, I felt my identity shifting once again. I signed up for more self-help workshops and moved onto dating again way too fast because I didn’t want to deal with the pain, and I’m impatient by DNA. I booked more trips to mend the emotional wound and keep me busy. Then just when I decided to stop dating, this guy pings me in July of 2018. We met up, and coincidentally since I never saved his picture this turned into my first blind date, and I just prayed he wasn’t ugly. Our first date lasted for hours, though this is normal for me, however, the conversation was refreshing because of how honest, direct, and forward he was. It’s like he knew who he was and what he wanted. So, I took a chance, and soon I was in love with him. I slowly and cautiously embraced a future with him as he pushed me in that direction. Little did I know what kind of roller coaster ride I would be on the next three years with him.
2019, what a year, I could have never imagined leaving the last year of my twenties with such emotions filled with some of the highest highs and lowest lows. A psychic in New Orleans told me I am stronger than I know and, man, was she right. My strength tested with a dislocated shoulder, my grandmother dying, an HPV diagnosis, several UTIs, and two eye infections. Life could not have gotten any worse right; wrong. I ended up getting pregnant and going through an abortion and break-up right before the pandemic of 2020. Besides being in total isolation alone, my friend, who I was starting a business with, died suddenly a month before the shelter in place orders. Thank god for family and friends. I don’t know where I would be without my pack, including my dog, Kaila, to get through some of life’s biggest hurdles.
Flash forward to early 2020, I ended up going to one retreat before quarantine that changed the course of my life and opened up so many realizations and gifts. I am forever grateful for that experience. Working on myself and not online dating this time, I began to change once again and focus on the things I wanted to create in this world and what kind of legacy I wanted to leave behind. The dots I had been looking to connect began downloading faster than I could have imagined! I got comfortable with being alone and basking in the silence of my own home. It is now my sanctuary. I ended up reconnecting and trying again with the boyfriend from 2018/2019, and here we are today in 2021. So how is it going? I saw an old pattern remerge, so I ended the relationship because I had learned to choose myself no matter how painful. I also stopped waiting and accommodating him and started to do all of the things I wanted to do, like get a new puppy, launch JessBeingSavage and create the Hybrid Healer podcast!
As you can tell a day in the life of Jess can be pretty Savage, and I have become quite the expert at shedding my layers to evolve, change, and transform into the person I am today. I always laugh when I hear someone say they want a strong woman without realizing what “she” had to go through to be the strong person standing in front of you. This Savage life chooses you, so let me help you be ready to receive.
For the other hybrids like me out there, know you are not alone, and everything you are going through is happening with intention. What you see as being misunderstood is a unique perspective that is a strength as you are the thought leaders, change agents, and influencers of tomorrow. You are the well-rounded pocket swiss army knife that has it all mind, body, and soul. It is why we float between IQ (intelligence), EQ (emotional intelligence) & CQ (cultural intelligence). I want to hear from you and know what’s your story? Feel free to comment below!
The Condensed Life Story in Poem:
No BS, real talk and owning it like a savage… so, here goes nothing. From tomboy to homecoming queen it was quite the all-American dream… but behind the veil revealed a prison of others’ validation where I was drowning in a sea of expectation. All this designed by me, with my ego winning and the inner light dimming, this was a choice to ignore the greater plea of my universal destiny.
With the savage warrior gone, aimless wandering became my new reality… with no happiness, hope or health in the corporate wasteland of broken dreams and the 9-5 monotony. An insatiable hunger to be free emerged from this desolate existence of broken hearts, death and despair when rebirth and adventure took hold of my mind, body and soul.
I didn’t realize the toll my worrying, anger and hate had taken, until I was quiet, alone and still for once in my life to literally shift my perspective. Putting pen to paper gave me clarity and the chance to finally hear and see the wounded savage warrior. From skydiving to yoga and motorcycles to camping – it was quite the transformation to find the true me – it’s as if I had lived a thousand lives. Crafting my personal narrative – I began to understand that I was both my best friend and worst enemy – I really just needed to let go of control and surrender to the process for my ikigai to blossom. I now hum my life’s work as a healer and storyteller helping others own their inner savage warrior for everything in life is but temporary.
Through insight, self-discovery & transformation, JessBeingSavage was born to make others soar with self-awareness, love & worth. This digital collective space of the unconscious spiritual practicality is created to be simple, accessible & consumable for an enlightened community to grow at a soul level and raise the overall vibration of this lovely planet, we call home.
You can find me golfing, writing, cleaning, running or healing in nature with my dog, family & friends, when, of course, I’m not making Grandma’s famous persimmon cookies.
With just a hope to inspire the world, let’s work together to be better.